Tuesday, January 12, 2016

By Definition, It's Child Abuse

You don't have to be a doctor or counselor to recognize the signs of physical child abuse. When the abuse is emotionally inflicted, however you do have to know the symptoms to look for in a child with deep-rooted scar tissue below the epidermis. Whether the wounds are external or internal, they will BOTH affect a child's self-esteem, demeanor, and their interpersonal relationships for the rest of their lives.  To glean more information on documented cases of physical child abuse, you can read countless numbers of books or simply check your local newspaper or television broadcast.

For information on documented emotional child abuse cases, you would be hard-pressed to find any. Yet it is all around us! If you to speak to even a few divorced couples who share children, you can bet one of those couples is experiencing a custody battle.  When the dissolution of the union gets contentious, one of the parents will undoubtedly begin alienating their child from the other parent. Some common tactics used by these vengeful parents are:

  • Not allowing phone calls or monitoring phone calls via speakerphone between the child and the targeted parent
  • Telling the child that the other parent doesn't love them anymore
  • Sharing litigation details of their custody case with the child
  • Withholding legal visitation from the targeted parent
  • Saying disparaging remarks about the targeted parent in front of the child
  • Interrogating the child upon return from visitation with the targeted parent
  • Rewarding the child when they loyally obey to ignore or show disdain for the targeted parent
  • Suddenly filing false child abuse allegations in order to obtain a restraining order and keep the child from the targeted parent
There are more ways and words that are used.  The frequency with which they are, will determine the mental stability of the innocent victim, the child.  Who is looking out for these children?  Who is talking to them about what they are going through?  Which judges determining the fate of a child's best interest in time-sharing are hearing the truth from the child, themselves?  If the alienation is not exposed and corrected early on, children will believe what is being told to them by the alienating parent.and  feel compelled to hate their targeted parent.  These children grow up hating half of themselves since they were created by both of their parents equally.  They listen to, learn, and emulate, the hatred and manipulations.  They haven't a chance to live the life of the child they should be.  

I'm not suggesting that children should be put on a witness stand and made to feel uncomfortable, I only wish that these children were allowed to use their voices to tell the truth to someone who is deciding their well-being.  Most divorces and custodial arguments are he said-she said and somewhere in the middle is the truth.  Somewhere in the middle is the child!  Why not let these children be heard privately in chambers by the judge in every high-conflict custody case?  

There are simple changes to the laws and statutes in our country that would certainly reduce the number of children being emotionally abused through parental alienation.  The obvious answer is equal time-sharing for both parents at the onset of their separation.  There are two reasons this would help. First, a child having equal time with each parent is also equally influenced and equally parented by both parents.  Second, it is a standard rule for child support to be based on the percentage of time spent with each parent. A parent with eighty-percent custody will receive child support commensurate with that time.  If their custodial time is reduced, their (tax-free income of) support is also reduced, if not altogether removed.  This is a common reason one parent wants to "keep" the child a majority of the time.  They feel these innocent children are their possessions, and treat them as pawns.  There is no other valid reason for a parent not nurturing a relationship between their child and their other healthy and loving parent.  That's when false child abuse allegations suddenly occur. Even though the marriage of the parents had no documented child abuse, suddenly, when a parent wants to alienate their child,  the targeted parent is now "physically or sexually abusive" to the child. When false allegations are made, it isn't just the targeted parent who suffers.  The child will be interrogated and physically examined, yet the alienating parent has no regard or remorse.  How much can these children take?  This is why we must make changes to reduce the traumatic familial epidemic of parental alienation in the United States and worldwide.  We must enact and enforce 50/50 visitation for every biological parent.

Recognizing the signs of a child who has been caught in the middle and alienated by one of their parents takes practice.  We must listen carefully and document mentally, the comments heard from one parent and note if they were made in front of their child/ren.  Then, we must take other behavioral symptoms from which we are familiar in physically abusive cases and apply them to potentially emotional abusive scenarios.  These can be:

  • A child suddenly becoming more isolated in school or social settings
  • A child ignoring one parent when both are present yet when alone seems very close to the targeted parent
  • A child using derogatory terms when describing one of their parents (if terms such as "stress", "child support" or "in court" are used by a child, they are likely being mentally tainted by an alienating parent)
  • A child looking around to see if the alienating parent is around when they hug or show kindness to their alienated parent (coast is clear so I can be nice)
  • A child unwilling to "talk about" their other parent in the presence of the alienating parent or their friends and family (because they will "get in trouble" later)
  • A child suddenly swearing or seeking more dark, dismal, and aloof friends
  • A child self-harming
  • A child thinking or talking about suicide
Once these symptoms appear in a child, then what?  Report it.  It is the law.  In Florida, our  Child Abuse definition in Statute 827.03 reads:  1. Intentional infliction of physical or mental injury upon a child; 2. An intentional act that could reasonably be expected to result in physical or mental injury to a child; or 3. Active encouragement of any person to commit an act that results or could reasonably be expected to result in physical or mental injury to a child.

Our courts are currently doing nothing about emotional child abusers.  No sanctions. Nothing.  This is a crime; this isn't for civil family courts.  Parents are withholding visitation (for weeks, days, even years) but no one cares how this directly affects these innocent children.  Why are their legal custodial agreements if judges or the law won't enforce them?  These abusers must be punished and stopped.  We, the public can write books, articles, share our stories and knowledge, but a child's fate is ultimately is in the hands of subjective judges.  They are the sole decision makers and they are the parties responsible for their own rulings. In Florida, our legislature has enacted a new statute with "shared parenting" being the new standard.  "Shared Parenting" is not at all "shared custody".  That's the legal loophole that must be closed.  We can't save these children until the laws change but we can, (and it is our legal duty to do so) report child abuse, if suspected.  So, just in case you don't see the physical scars, when there are symptoms present, there absolutely could be emotional child abuse. Please share this article and REPORT ALL SUSPECTED CHILD ABUSE.  You may even do this anonymously, and help save a child's future.

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    1. Barry, thank you for sharing your story. My resources are tied up for now but I am compiling ten stories for other purposes and perhaps your could be one. As I near the commencement, I will be in touch! Until then stay passionate about your cause and never give up!

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